What causes this darkness? 'Does this darkness have a name?' does it have a face? Or is it inside of us all along. I'm trying to be strong. I'm trying to fight this hole, this feeling I don't exactly know, that leaves me in tears when I fall to sleep at night.
When I was told I had depression (something Rob now jokes about) I decided to look it up. I mean I'm already doing an assignment on 'TWLOHA' a campaign actually. I got scared. I walked out of the classroom locked myself in the bathroom and pulled my legs up to me chest and burst into tears.
There are moments that everything is ok, there always are. Only this afternoon I was in hysterics over some pictures Leigh and I were looking at. Right now though. I feel like there is something missing, something that normally blocked the darkness from creeping in. Maybe I'm weaker than I thought. Maybe I've been worn down.
Crushing and overpowering good things and I wonder if i could do it, end it I mean.
I have the best friends in the world, it's one reason I've yet to do it. I can hear Frankie yelling in my ear at me right now. Jess telling I'm nuts and Fliss crying. Kim would be bawling her eyes out and I don't think Johnson would ever be the same. I love my friends, I love my parents, what they would all have to feel if i did end it - thinking that hurts me now
I want so much to be free, to feel free, I want something to take it all away. I hope this time away from everyone, people from my past that still hurt me, the present that hurt me and those that still want to hurt me just go away.
Smile, pretend everything is ok, people will believe that. It's what I do best after all. I'm a expert.
You know when people say 'I'm fine'. I'll say it to you now, with a smile on my face, real enough that you will always believe it. Yet beneath the surface, when we have parted ways, when I have turned my back - I'm not. I've forgiven a lot of people over the years but the pain never goes away, the betrayal one feels, the hurt and sadness, it's all still there, un detected from everyone but me.
Labels: Life
So I guess with all things you want to know a little about me then? Sorry to dissapoint you but that's going to have to come later. Right now I'm a little busy to talk about my life but hey look around, read a bit, you might learn something about me you didn't know before.