I woke up this morning with the one thought on my mind.
Why should you be my friend?
Which then got me thinking you know, why did I think, believe that to be true. So I sat there breaking it down.
What I realised not only hurt me a bit more but it also made me realise, it's you not me.
You were the one that was distant, I was always organising things in advance, I was always the one sending messages all the time you were letting this new girl come into your life. I invited you along to my friends events even though most of them you didn't come. The only time I met your friends was because I had something you could use - my camera.
Was it ever real? I'm starting to doubt it. What's worse about falling for someone is trusting them, not only with your heart but also your mind and body. I was just the fill in till someone else came along, and that happened.
So tell me, after all that after playing me, tell me what was real? Because you were the one who I felt safe with when my world was going dark around me. People want to know why I don't like to open my heart to people. That is a reason right there.
Being used and treated like this, I tried but being me wasn't good enough, I can't change what's happened, not even his mind it's not going to do anything. But I'm stronger for this and if it means my hearts been closed off again then so be it. I'll know for next time.
It's like you wanted it to fail, you didn't want this - you wanted her. You never tried, you wonder why I never opened up, where was the opportunity to do just that? Where was there a time when you wearn't high around me? (I'd never want to change who he's comfortable being but still it's true) I only have one memory of you not. I could have loved you, part of me I think was scared that I was falling so hard for you so fast. My true friends know that opening up, baring my soul to people is something that scares me more than anything else in the world, it takes times sometimes years depending on the person, I'm scared of my own emotions and I always have. I hate it But like I've said I can't change anything because even though we were in a relationship, I didn't and don't have a say in it. You just didn't want to work on it.
I'm not ok, I've always been the girl with the smile on her face. I'm not going to falter that because believing your happy sometimes works it's only when I'm alone, it's only at night where I want to scream because my I feel like everything wants to burst out of me that I'm the mess everyone says is ok.
Don't let anyone make you feel like your worthless.
Q:What am I really afraid of?
A: Losing myself in my river of emotions and not being able to find myself after
Labels: Life, LOVE
So I guess with all things you want to know a little about me then? Sorry to dissapoint you but that's going to have to come later. Right now I'm a little busy to talk about my life but hey look around, read a bit, you might learn something about me you didn't know before.