It needs to be said.
My heart beats a thousand miles a moment as I try and catch my breath. It knows what I have to do and it beats with pain and it beats with strength but still it shouldn't be that strong.
My head is weak right now it seems like it won't ever be strong till I say this. I know it will hurt me but right now I don't think I can feel any worse.
I can't eat and I can't sleep without feeling sick. I hate this, more than anyone will know but last night was the longest nights of my life.
I tried to call him twice to tell him and once again this morning but it seems like he doesn't care to talk to me. I don't know why I'm either bothering he hurt me not the other way around. He's perfectly fine, I can't see how he's hurting, he's moved on.
One of my friends told me I deserve to be happy that one day someone will do that for me, but feeling this, opening up to someone and being used and made to feel worthless. I don't think I can ever trust someone quite the same again. It's the truth and I feel it. The only person I can rely on is myself. It's always been myself, I pick myself up, I listen to others, I deal with all the shit and just sit there with a smile on my face ready for the next day of the same thing.
I'm sick.
I don't know how much more pain I can take and it's not just my own I'm feeling it's my friends, it's my family it's the tragedy of the world. I'm strong but feeling this pain on top of everything, I don't know if I can handle it. I don't know if I'm strong enough this time around.
My heart's on my sleeve and I can't get it back to where it belong and I hate that! I hate you for doing this to me.
I hate you for opening me up and making me cry because I haven't been able to stop since. I hate that you used me.
I think the person I hate most is myself because I let you in when everyone else has always been on the edge. I let you make me feel like everything was alright with the world for the moments we were together. I hate myself for not noticing you had slipped away and didn't want to make us work. I don't care what you say I blame myself despite the fact it's you that's to blame. I didn't know we had a problem and yet I'm the one feeling like shit day in and out.
You've hurt me more than I can show, more than speaking out it has no words. I thought you were good, I thought you were kind and I trusted and believed in you. I never wanted to change you and I never tried but I think you do need to change but treating me or anyone like you have is going to get you nowhere. I don't know how things ended with your other girlfriends but from what I'm seeing I don't think it's as close as what you've done to me.
I want to hate you but I love you. And I don't know if it's real love and I'll never know but I have to deal with this pain because I can't close it off, you broke my wall and it's killing my inside. I've never felt this before, this pain this sadness this need to follow suit and jump off a fucking cliff.
My dark thoughts are back, they attack me in the night, they did last night and I let them. I have no wall to keep them away I don't have the strength or energy to do it. I want time to just take it away but it won't because it's etched into me. It's going to make me protective I know it, it's who I am. I don't know if I'll ever be able to trust someone so much ever again. because out of all my relationships I've never trusted someone as much as I trusted you!
I try to be happy, I want to be happy and the moment that I am the world comes crashing down twice as hard and being happy again is so much more effort than before. I don't know if I'll be able to be happy this time. I don't know if I can be anything but sad
Labels: Life
So I guess with all things you want to know a little about me then? Sorry to dissapoint you but that's going to have to come later. Right now I'm a little busy to talk about my life but hey look around, read a bit, you might learn something about me you didn't know before.