Welcome to my blog, Naked.Famous. I'm Roisin 1 1/2 of MarkRouge Vintage and this is my personal day to day blog
Can you really find light in this darkness?
We hurt for a reason
We think about people for a reason
We can't change time only go forward.
There will always be a part of me that's afraid to tell people what's really going on. I don't know why that is, I'm not trying to protect myself not really. Maybe there's only a certain number of people that I feel I can trust, or that I've yet to find the right words to say. But I do know as long as I can remember I've always turned to writing as my comfort. I hide my emotions within sentences of stories, paragraphs, chapters. It's easy there may be tears writing or typing but I'm not lost for words. They don't get caught in my throat the way they do actually coming out of my mouth. There's probably a lot of things I could have said but kept my mouth shut. I guess I'm afraid if I actually let someone in, they will just want out.
My life hasn't been bad, I've been lucky and I take nothing that I have for granted, but nothing makes my heart beat faster or makes me feel sick like telling someone my emotions.
My friends know my life, they are all apart of it but the emotions it's only the surface, no one's really ever cared to find out. The one person I thought I could left which only makes me think no one will listen - words are just words without action behind them.
Sort of like 'sorry' I lost my faith in sorry when I was 15. People use it just like any other word, it's lost it's meaning. It needs action behind it for me. I know I'm saying this but I use it as well. The thing is I DO MEAN IT. If someone is upset I feel their pain, I absorb it and try and find the right perspective the right advise to give to people. It's all in their words, their real emotions.
I don't want sorry to just be another word that comes out of people's mouths. I want it to mean something to people. I want them to know I do care, that I feel for them.
My heart aches now, I do hate it. Being human is exhausting. With everything going on it's hard dealing with it, especially when the one person you care about doesn't give a shit. For my best friend's birthday we went on a pub crawl but the moment he turned up, I just didn't know how to act. How can you be close to someone and not be able to show the same kind of emotions or have a simple conversation without feeling like you need fresh air.
I've said it before I don't know if I can have him in my life. It's the hardest decision I've tried to make but I think just proven that last night. Trying to stay away from him was killing me. It's not like I can just hug him anymore or rub his back (as lame as that sounds on text). My hands are like lead to my sides and I feel the need the rush of adrenaline to do something extreme. No it's not for attention, I just need my heart beating faster for something other than him.
Nothing I say now would mean anything to him. So I don't know why I just keep coming back to it. Mary says I should tell him, but he was the one that walked. I'm the one trying to make an effort to be friends when really why should I?
That's just it though, I've got two emotions running through me.
1. I can get mad (which is so easy to do) and think why do I have to be the one to make the effort.
I know it's something we both have to work on but right now It's his move. The last message on his phone from me is me being the bigger person despite the fact what I was feeling last night.
2. I can be the bigger person.
Just suck it up and be his friend, I don't want to hurt him he's said it would be easier for him as well but that's also the downfall to it. It hurts to much.
I've listened to people call him a cunt, not loyal and other things which of course I stood up for him. Despite some of them being so true, it's all i've done is stand up for him. No one saw the side of him I'd like to say I know. The good and kind and
Posted on: Sunday, February 13, 2011 10:00 PM by Roisin →
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So I guess with all things you want to know a little about me then? Sorry to dissapoint you but that's going to have to come later. Right now I'm a little busy to talk about my life but hey look around, read a bit, you might learn something about me you didn't know before.