Welcome to my blog, Naked.Famous. I'm Roisin 1 1/2 of MarkRouge Vintage and this is my personal day to day blog
Somebody took my medicine, somebody's in my head again
I've always looked at life like I'm the only one I can reply on. I was happy in that little world of mine. I felt safe and secure and no one could hurt me. But then you came along. You came along and told me this isn't living, it's only half a life and you sent a shockwave through me that's still affecting me.
Since then all i've felt is sadness not just from what's happened there but from the deaths, and fears and distance.
Adam and I breaking up was the beginning of a chain that was to set off my life. Josh's death, Another death, health fears, family fears and something else I can't bring to mind. It seems like it's just all been building up waiting. I can't be happy, I can't be in love because nothing wants to work that way for me.
"Sometimes we expect more from others because we would be willing to do that much for them"
The thing is I don't miss Adam just because he was someone to have and call mine. It's more than that it's the small things, the moment's I look back on and just smile before I cry. Because I know I'm never going to experience those memories again but I smile because I had them. But you can't fight for someone that doesn't want to be fought for. I love him and if asked me if I did I would tell him the truth. I've never lied to him, I've told lies before but I've never wanted to lie to him. But I also have to risk my own happiness for his, sometimes that's what being the bigger person is about despite the fact he probably doesn't deserve it. I don't know if we can be friends, for my part he's not making the effort so why do I even bother.
"I'll txt you tomorrow" BULLSHIT! that was almost 2 days go.
The one feeling I miss and it's most likely a stupid one is being so proud of him. He's such an amazing guy with so much potential that anyone that knows him would feel the same. He's going to do some amazing things, it's in him.
I've got nothing left which is why I just need to let this go. I need to end this sadness and I don't know if it's cheapening myself if I don't exactly care about it but I'm just going to go out and have fun.
Frankie's told me several occasions I just need to stop flirting. It's part of me I've realised. Maybe that's why I got sloshed at hot damn on thursday. Going back again this week with Rob and Fe.
The thing is and it's the last time I'm going to mention this is: I've had plenty of chances to talk to guys, to give them my number but I've always told them I had a boyfriend. That's loyalty. What's not is doing the opposite and that's one thing I'll always judge about his character, that's his flaw. But I love him and that's a stronger feeling that rules over something bad.
Pub Crawl and Hot Damn this week is sure to spend the money I had saved up. Of course I've got a lot of it in coins LOL but it will get me drunk and I know how to get vodka bottles through security at hot damn I did it last week aside from the fact I kept getting free drinks :P
I know no one reads this/also the main reason why but thank you to all the free drinks people who ever you are/Chris. If anyone does read this don't be afraid to ask me why I do this it's a rather different story I think you will find. I can not do this I'd explode. Then again the only person who knows about this is Mary so I'd be like WTF...hahah 50/50.
I can't say any more because there is nothing left to. I want to tell you everything that's going on inside my head even though It's not going to change anything but things have changed. I can feel myself closing you off inside. The more I accept I'm the only person I can count on is me - the more my minds pushing you out. I guess my minds always protected my heart, it's a child to my brain. But I need to be strong because I have so many people counting on me. Sometimes I feel like it's a full time job. It wasn't till you came into it all that I started to separate myself from that but it's still there and I don't let my friends down.
I wish we could have gone away like I had planned, to get away from the city and everyone and just be us.
Labels: Clubs, Family, Friends, Life, LOVE, Travel
Posted on: Monday, February 7, 2011 10:18 PM by Roisin →
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So I guess with all things you want to know a little about me then? Sorry to dissapoint you but that's going to have to come later. Right now I'm a little busy to talk about my life but hey look around, read a bit, you might learn something about me you didn't know before.